Darkened Dusk
by TheOfficialAliceCullenWannabe
Summary: Edward's thoughts after he recieved the very tragic phone call from Rosalie. *Has some Midnight Sun parts!*
1. Chapter 1

**Darkened Dusk**

**A/N: The parts in**_** italic **_**are not mine. I got them from **_**Midnight Sun**_**, and it belongs to Stephenie Meyer. **

**This is a random thing I came up with while I was reading new moon the other day again, and I was like, "What was Edward thinking, when he went to go visit the Volturi so he could die?" So, here it is, my very sad attempt at getting into the mind of Edward Cullen. Hope you like it. :D Oh, and this story is going to be very short, no more than three chapter because it's the plane ride to Italy, then The Volturi, and then he comes up with a plan to get himself killed and he ends up seeing Bella's alive.**

**Disclaimer: Ms. Stephenie Meyer would kick me if I said twilight was mine, so instead of getting a bruise, **_**I don't own anything Twilight.**_

***

It felt as though the world has stopped. I made up my mind as soon a I dumped my cell in the nearest trash can in Rio. I barely heard the minds of the people around me on the plane. All I could think about were her eyes…her voice…her scent.

It was all gone.

I would never again hear her heartbeat again. I would never again be able to breath in the scent of her hair…and it was my entire fault.

I pictured her in my mind. The soft curve of her lips when she smiled, how her eyes would sparkle whenever she saw me, the aura of strawberries and freesias that would follow her everywhere she went…

_Bella…_I thought…_I'll be with you soon._

That is, if I could ever even make it to heaven. I wouldn't mind so much hell…it can't be worse than what I'm going through now. Or maybe, for my kind it was different. Maybe there was oblivion.

I hoped that Bella, wherever she was, she was happy. Because she deserved that much, considering I put her through so much pain that she had to kill herself just to end her misery.

Again…all my fault.

I doubt she isn't in heaven right now, waiting for me to come to her. She's always been my angel…the moon that shined my dark night…the sun on a cloudy day.

I tried not to imagine her grave. It was so hard…I still didn't fully believe that my Bella was dead. But there was proof, and there was no point hiding reality. I hummed softly to myself, trying to pass the time. It seemed hardly believable that only a few seconds had past. It seemed like hours. The familiar tune stabbed a knife through my dead heart as I recognized the melody. It was _her_ lullaby. I welcomed the pain, mostly because the pain took my mind off of her…for a while.

More seconds past, and time was still moving leisurely. I tried not to think of my family. Especially Rosalie. Her name sent a rush of fury through my dried veins. She acted as if Bella's death was a good thing. She never liked Bella, and I wish that before I died I wanted to see her suffer like she made me suffer. I wanted her to pay for all the nasty things she said about my angel, but there was no time. I had to get to Volterra as fast as was possible.

I thought of the others, and what they would think. Oh, Esme would be heartbroken. I hated myself for how she would grieve over me. I didn't even want to think about how Carlisle would react. I put my head in my hands. He had to understand that I _have _to do this. I can't live without her. I can't live knowing it was my fault she was dead. Emmett and Jasper will probably never be the same again…It wouldn't be a trio anymore…it would just be a pair. Alice…I closed my eyes. What would she think of this? She probably already knows what I'm about to do, and she's probably coming up with a plan to stop me…but by the time she reaches me it will already be too late. I've made my decision, and I'm not going back on my word.

_Soon my angel…I'll be with you, _I thought. But even as I chanted the words in my head like a mantra, soon seemed a very long time away.

My patience was running thin, and it seems sort of comical to think that in over a century I haven't gained single ounce of patience. Not one.

I let her name enter my head again. I remember how her name just rolled off of my tongue…_Bella, Bella, Bella…_

Before I heard…the news, it pained me to say, hear, or even think of her name. Now it didn't really matter, because every second I was one step closer to her.

I closed my eyes and concentrated, trying to remember the soft _thump, thump, thump_ of her heartbeat. It felt as though many knives stabbed me at once when I realized I would never hear it again. I choked on a sob.

Without permission, my mind started to recall the very few moments I had with her.

_I took one last deep breath at the door of the classroom, and then held it in my _

_lungs as I walked into the small, warm space. _

_I was not late. Mr. Banner was still setting up for today's lab. The girl sat at _

_my—at __our__ table, her face down again, staring at the folder she was doodling on. I _

_examined the sketch as I approached, interested in even this trivial creation of her mind, _

_but it was meaningless. Just a random scribbling of loops within loops. Perhaps she was _

_not concentrating on the pattern, but thinking of something else? _

_I pulled my chair back with unnecessary roughness, letting it scrape across the _

_linoleum; humans always felt more comfortable when noise announced someone's _

_approach. _

_I knew she heard the sound; she did not look up, but her hand missed a loop in the _

_design she was drawing, making it unbalanced. _

_Why didn't she look up? Probably she was frightened. I must be sure to leave _

_her with a different impression this time. Make her think she'd been imagining things _

_before. _

"_Hello," I said in the quiet voice I used when I wanted to make humans more _

_comfortable, forming a polite smile with my lips that would not show any teeth. _

_She looked up then, her wide brown eyes startled—almost bewildered—and full _

_of silent questions. It was the same expression that had been obstructing my vision for _

_the last week. _

_As I stared into those oddly deep brown eyes, I realized that the hate—the hate I'd _

_imagined this girl somehow deserved for simply existing—had evaporated. Not _

_breathing now, not tasting her scent, it was hard to believe that anyone so vulnerable _

_could ever justify hatred. _

_Her cheeks began to flush, and she said nothing._

_I kept my eyes on hers, focusing only on their questioning depths, and tried to _

_ignore the appetizing color of her skin. I had enough breath to speak for a while longer _

_without inhaling. _

"_My name is Edward Cullen," I said, though I knew she knew that. It was the _

_polite way to begin. "I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be _

_Bella Swan." _

_She seemed confused—there was that little pucker between her eyes again. It _

_took her half a second longer than it should have for her to respond. _

"_How do you know my name?" she demanded, and her voice shook just a little. _

_I must have truly terrified her. This made me feel guilty; she was just so _

_defenseless. I laughed gently—it was a sound that I knew made humans more at ease. _

_Again, I was careful about my teeth. _

"_Oh, I think everyone knows your name." Surely she must have realized that _

_she'd become the center of attention in this monotonous place. "The whole town's been _

_waiting for you to arrive." _

_She frowned as if this information was unpleasant. I supposed, being shy as she _

_seemed to be, attention would seem like a bad thing to her. Most humans felt the _

_opposite. Though they didn't want to stand out from the herd, at the same time they _

_craved a spotlight for their individual uniformity. _

"_No," she said. "I meant, why did you call me Bella?" _

"_Do you prefer Isabella?" I asked, perplexed by the fact that I couldn't see where _

_this question was leading. I didn't understand. Surely, she'd made her preference clear _

_many times that first day. Were all humans this incomprehensible without the mental _

_context as a guide? _

"_No, I like Bella," she answered, leaning her head slightly to one side. Her _

_expression—if I was reading it correctly—was torn between embarrassment and _

_confusion. "But I think Charlie—I mean my dad—must call me Isabella behind my back. _

_That's what everyone here seems to know me as." Her skin darkened one shade pinker. _

"_Oh," I said lamely, and quickly looked away from her face. _

_I'd just realized what her questions meant: I had slipped up—made an error. If I _

_hadn't been eavesdropping on all the others that first day, then I would have addressed _

_her initially by her full name, just like everyone else. She'd noticed the difference. _

_I felt a pang of unease. It was very quick of her to pick up on my slip. Quite _

_astute, especially for someone who was supposed to be terrified by my nearness. _

_But I had bigger problems than whatever suspicions about me she might be _

_keeping locked inside her head. _

_I was out of air. If I were going to speak to her again, I would have to inhale. _

_It would be hard to avoid speaking. Unfortunately for her, sharing this table made _

_her my lab partner, and we would have to work together today. It would seem odd—and _

_incomprehensibly rude—for me to ignore her while we did the lab. It would make her _

_more suspicious, more afraid… _

_I leaned as far away from her as I could without moving my seat, twisting my _

_head out into the aisle. I braced myself, locking my muscles in place, and then sucked in _

_one quick chest-full of air, breathing through my mouth alone. _

_Ahh! _

_It was genuinely painful. Even without smelling her, I could taste her on my _

_tongue. My throat was suddenly in flames again, the craving every bit as strong as that _

_first moment I'd caught her scent last week. _

_I gritted my teeth together and tried to compose myself. _

"_Get started," Mr. Banner commanded. _

_It felt like it took every single ounce of self-control that I'd achieved in seventy _

_years of hard work to turn back to the girl, who was staring down at the table, and smile. _

"_Ladies first, partner?" I offered. _

_She looked up at my expression and her face went blank, her eyes wide. Was _

_there something off in my expression? Was she frightened again? She didn't speak. _

"_Or, I could start, if you wish," I said quietly. _

"_No," she said, and her face went from white to red again. "I'll go first." _

_I stared at the equipment on the table, the battered microscope, the box of slides, _

_rather than watch the blood swirl under her clear skin. I took another quick breath, _

_through my teeth, and winced as the taste made my throat ache. _

"_Prophase," she said after a quick examination. She started to remove the slide, _

_though she'd barely examined it. _

"_Do you mind if I look?" Instinctively—stupidly, as if I were one of her kind—I _

_reached out to stop her hand from removing the slide. For one second, the heat of her _

_skin burned into mine. It was like an electric pulse—surely much hotter than a mere _

_ninety-eight point six degrees. The heat shot through my hand and up my arm. She _

_yanked her hand out from under mine. _

"_I'm sorry," I muttered through my clenched teeth. Needing somewhere to look, I _

_grasped the microscope and stared briefly into the eyepiece. She was right. _

"_Prophase," I agreed. _

_I was still too unsettled to look at her. Breathing as quietly as I could through my _

_gritted teeth and trying to ignore the fiery thirst, I concentrated on the simple assignment, _

_writing the word on the appropriate line on the lab sheet, and then switching out the first _

_slide for the next. _

_What was she thinking now? What had that felt like to her, when I had touched _

_her hand? My skin must have been ice cold—repulsive. No wonder she was so quiet. _

_I glanced at the slide. _

"_Anaphase," I said to myself as I wrote it on the second line. _

"_May I?" she asked. _

_I looked up at her, surprised to see that she was waiting expectantly, one hand _

_half-stretched toward the microscope. She didn't __look __afraid. Did she really think I'd _

_gotten the answer wrong? _

_I couldn't help but smile at the hopeful look on her face as I slid the microscope _

_toward her. _

_She stared into the eyepiece with an eagerness that quickly faded. The corners of _

_her mouth turned down. _

"_Slide three?" she asked, not looking up from the microscope, but holding out her _

_hand. I dropped the next slide into her hand, not letting my skin come anywhere close to _

_hers this time. Sitting beside her was like sitting next to a heat lamp. I could feel myself _

_warming slightly to the higher temperature._

_She did not look at the slide for long. "Interphase," she said nonchalantly— _

_perhaps trying a little too hard to sound that way—and pushed the microscope to me. _

_She did not touch the paper, but waited for me to write the answer. I checked—she was _

_correct again. _

_We finished this way, speaking one word at a time and never meeting each other's _

_eyes. We were the only ones done—the others in the class were having a harder time _

_with the lab. Mike Newton seemed to be having trouble concentrating—he was trying to _

_watch Bella and me. _

_Wish he'd stayed wherever he went, __Mike thought, eyeing me sulfurous. Hmm, _

_interesting. I hadn't realized the boy harbored any ill will towards me. This was a new _

_development, about as recent as the girl's arrival it seemed. Even more interesting, I _

_found—to my surprise—that the feeling was mutual. _

_I looked down at the girl again, bemused by the wide range of havoc and upheaval _

_that, despite her ordinary, unthreatening appearance, she was wreaking on my life. _

_It wasn't that I couldn't see what Mike was going on about. She was actually _

_rather pretty…in an unusual way. Better than being beautiful, her face was __interesting__. _

_Not quite symmetrical—her narrow chin out of balance with her wide cheekbones; _

_extreme in the coloring—the light and dark contrast of her skin and her hair; and then _

_there were the eyes, brimming over with silent secrets… _

_Eyes that were suddenly boring into mine. _

_I stared back at her, trying to guess even one of those secrets. _

"_Did you get contacts?" she asked abruptly. _

_What a strange question. "No." I almost smiled at the idea of improving __my_

_eyesight. _

"_Oh," she mumbled. "I thought there was something different about your eyes." _

_I felt suddenly colder again as I realized that I was apparently not the only one _

_attempting to ferret out secrets today. _

_I shrugged, my shoulders stiff, and glared straight ahead to where the teacher was _

_making his rounds. _

_Of course there was something different about my eyes since the last time she'd _

_stared into them._

_To prepare myself for today's ordeal, today's temptation, I'd spent the entire weekend hunting, satiating my thirst as much as possible, overdoing it really__.__ I'd glutted myself on the blood of animals, not that it made much difference in the face of the outrageous flavor floating on the air around her. When I'd glared at her last, my eyes had been black with thirst. Now, my body swimming with blood, my eyes were a warmer gold. Light amber from my excessive attempt at thirst-quenching. Another slip. If I'd seen what she'd meant with her question, I could have just _

_told her yes. _

_I'd sat beside humans for two years now at this school, and she was the first to _

_examine me closely enough to note the change in my eye color. The others, while _

_admiring the beauty of my family, tended to look down quickly when we returned their _

_stares. They shied away, blocking the details of our appearances in an instinctive _

_endeavor to keep themselves from understanding. Ignorance was bliss to the human _

_mind. _

_Why did it have to be this girl who would see too much? _

_Mr. Banner approached our table. I gratefully inhaled the gush of clean air he _

_brought with him before it could mix with her scent. _

"_So, Edward," he said, looking over our answers, "didn't you think Isabella _

_should get a chance with the microscope?" _

"_Bella," I corrected him reflexively. "Actually, she identified three of the five." _

_Mr. Banner's thoughts were skeptical as he turned to look at the girl. "Have you _

_done this lab before?" _

_I watched, engrossed, as she smiled, looking slightly embarrassed. _

"_Not with onion root." _

"_Whitefish blastula?" Mr. Banner probed. _

"_Yeah." _

_This surprised him. Today's lab was something he'd pulled from a more _

_advanced course. He nodded thoughtfully at the girl. "Were you in an advanced _

_placement program in Phoenix?" _

"_Yes." _

_She was advanced then, intelligent for a human. This did not surprise me. _

"_Well," Mr. Banner said, pursing his lips. "I guess it's good you two are lab _

_partners." He turned and walked away mumbling, "So the other kids can get a chance to _

_learn something for themselves," under his breath. I doubted the girl could hear that. _

_She began scrawling loops across her folder again. _

_Two slips so far in one half hour. A very poor showing on my part. Though I had _

_no idea at all what the girl thought of me—how much did she fear, how much did she _

_suspect?—I knew I needed to put forth a better effort to leave her with a new impression _

_of me. Something to better drown her memories of our ferocious last encounter. _

"_It's too bad about the snow, isn't it?" I said, repeating the small talk that I'd _

_heard a dozen students discuss already. A boring, standard topic of conversation. The _

_weather—always safe. _

_She stared at me with obvious doubt in her eyes—an abnormal reaction to my _

_very normal words. "Not really," she said, surprising me again. _

_I tried to steer the conversation back to trite paths. She was from a much brighter, _

_warmer place—her skin seemed to reflect that somehow, despite its fairness—and the _

_cold must make her uncomfortable. My icy touch certainly had… _

"_You don't like the cold," I guessed. _

"_Or the wet," she agreed. _

"_Forks must be a difficult place for you to live." __Perhaps you should not have _

_come here,__ I wanted to add. __Perhaps you should go back where you belong._

_I wasn't sure I wanted that, though. I would always remember the scent of her _

_blood—was there any guarantee that I wouldn't eventually follow after her? Besides, if _

_she left, her mind would forever remain a mystery. A constant, nagging puzzle. _

"_You have no idea," she said in a low voice, glowering past me for a moment. _

_Her answers were never what I expected. They made me want to ask more _

_questions. _

"_Why did you come here, then?" I demanded, realizing instantly that my tone was _

_too accusatory, not casual enough for the conversation. The question sounded rude, _

_prying. _

"_It's…complicated." _

_She blinked her wide eyes, leaving it at that, and I nearly imploded out of _

_curiosity—the curiosity burned as hot as the thirst in my throat. Actually, I found that it _

_was getting slightly easier to breathe; the agony was becoming more bearable through _

_familiarity. _

"_I think I can keep up," I insisted. Perhaps common courtesy would keep her _

_answering my questions as long as I was rude enough to ask them. _

_She stared down silently at her hands. This made me impatient; I wanted to put _

_my hand under her chin and tilt her head up so that I could read her eyes. But it would be _

_foolish of me—dangerous—to touch her skin again. _

_She looked up suddenly. It was a relief to be able to see the emotions in her eyes _

_again. She spoke in a rush, hurrying through the words. _

"_My mother got remarried." _

_Ah, this was human enough, easy to understand. Sadness passed through her _

_clear eyes and brought the pucker back between them. _

"_That doesn't sound so complex," I said. My voice was gentle without my _

_working to make it that way. Her sadness left me feeling oddly helpless, wishing there _

_was something I could do to make her feel better. A strange impulse. "When did that _

_happen?" _

"_Last September." She exhaled heavily—not quite a sigh. I held my breath as _

_her warm breath brushed my face. _

"_And you don't like him," I guessed, fishing for more information. _

"_No, Phil is fine," she said, correcting my assumption. There was a hint of a _

_smile now around the corners of her full lips. "Too young, maybe, but nice enough." _

_This didn't fit with the scenario I'd been constructing in my head. _

"_Why didn't you stay with them?" I asked, my voice a little too curious. It _

_sounded like I was being nosy. Which I was, admittedly. _

"_Phil travels a lot. He plays ball for a living." The little smile grew more _

_pronounced; this career choice amused her. _

_I smiled, too, without choosing to. I wasn't trying to make her feel at ease. Her _

_smile just made me want to smile in response—to be in on the secret. _

"_Have I heard of him?" I ran through the rosters of professional ball players in _

_my head, wondering which Phil was hers… _

"_Probably not. He doesn't play __well__." Another smile. "Strictly minor league. _

_He moves around a lot." _

_The rosters in my head shifted instantly, and I'd tabulated a list of possibilities in _

_less than a second. At the same time, I was imagining the new scenario. _

"_And your mother sent you here so that she could travel with him," I said. _

_Making assumptions seemed to get more information out of her than questions did. It _

_worked again. Her chin jutted out, and her expression was suddenly stubborn. _

"_No, she did not send me here," she said, and her voice had a new, hard edge to it. _

_My assumption had upset her, though I couldn't quite see how. "I sent myself." _

_I could not guess at her meaning, or the source behind her pique. I was entirely _

_lost. _

_So I gave up. There was just no making sense of the girl. She wasn't like other _

_humans. Maybe the silence of her thoughts and the perfume of her scent were not the _

_only unusual things about her. _

"_I don't understand," I admitted, hating to concede. _

_She sighed, and stared into my eyes for longer than most normal humans were _

_able to stand. _

"_She stayed with me at first, but she missed him," she explained slowly, her tone _

_growing more forlorn with each word. "It made her unhappy…so I decided it was time _

_to spend some quality time with Charlie." _

_The tiny pucker between her eyes deepened. _

"_But now you're unhappy," I murmured. I couldn't seem to stop speaking my _

_hypotheses aloud, hoping to learn from her reactions. This one, however, did not seem as _

_far off the mark. _

"_And?" she said, as if this was not even an aspect to be considered. _

_I continued to stare into her eyes, feeling that I'd finally gotten my first real _

_glimpse into her soul. I saw in that one word where she ranked herself among her own _

_priorities. Unlike most humans, her own needs were far down the list. _

_She was selfless. _

_As I saw this, the mystery of the person hiding inside this quiet mind began to _

_thin a little. _

"_That doesn't seem fair," I said. I shrugged, trying to seem casual, trying to _

_conceal the intensity of my curiosity. _

_She laughed, but there was no amusement the sound. "Hasn't anyone ever told _

_you? Life isn't fair." _

_I wanted to laugh at her words, though I, too, felt no real amusement. I knew a _

_little something about the unfairness of life. "I believe I __have__ heard that somewhere _

_before." _

_She stared back at me, seeming confused again. Her eyes flickered away, and _

_then came back to mine. _

"_So that's all," she told me. _

_But I was not ready to let this conversation end. The little V between her eyes, a _

_remnant of her sorrow, bothered me. I wanted to smooth it away with my fingertip. But, _

_of course, I could not touch her. It was unsafe in so many ways. _

"_You put on a good show." I spoke slowly, still considering this next hypothesis. _

"_But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see." _

_She made a face, her eyes narrowing and her mouth twisting into a lopsided pout, _

_and she looked back towards the front of the class. She didn't like it when I guessed _

_right. She wasn't the average martyr—she didn't want an audience to her pain. _

"_Am I wrong?" _

_She flinched slightly, but otherwise pretended not to hear me. _

_That made me smile. "I didn't think so." _

"_Why does it matter to you?" she demanded, still staring away. _

"_That's a very good question," I admitted, more to myself than to answer her. _

_Her discernment was better than mine—she saw right to the core of things while I _

_floundered around the edges, sifting blindly through clues. The details of her very human _

_life should __not__ matter to me. It was wrong for me to care what she thought. Beyond _

_protecting my family from suspicion, human thoughts were not significant. _

_I was not used to being the less intuitive of any pairing. I relied on my extra _

_hearing too much—I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for. _

_The girl sighed and glowered toward the front of the classroom. Something about _

_her frustrated expression was humorous. The whole situation, the whole conversation _

_was humorous. No one had ever been in more danger from me than this little girl—at _

_any moment I might, distracted by my ridiculous absorption in the conversation, inhale _

_through my nose and attack her before I could stop myself—and __she__ was irritated because _

_I hadn't answered her question. _

"_Am I annoying you?" I asked, smiling at the absurdity of it all. _

_She glanced at me quickly, and then her eyes seemed to get trapped by my gaze. _

"_Not exactly," she told me. "I'm more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to _

_read—my mother always calls me her open book." _

_She frowned, disgruntled. _

_I stared at her in amazement. The reason she was upset was because she thought I _

_saw through her __too easily__. How bizarre. I'd never expended so much effort to _

_understand someone in all my life—or rather existence, as __life__ was hardly the right word. _

_I did not truly have a __life__. _

"_On the contrary," I disagreed, feeling strangely…wary, as if there were some _

_hidden danger here that I was failing to see. I was suddenly on edge, the premonition _

_making me anxious. "I find you very difficult to read." _

"_You must be a good reader then," she guessed, making her own assumption that _

_was, again, right on target. _

"_Usually," I agreed. _

_I smiled at her widely then, letting my lips pull back to expose the rows of _

_gleaming, razor sharp teeth behind them. _

_It was a stupid thing to do, but I was abruptly, unexpectedly desperate to get some _

_kind of warning through to the girl. Her body was closer to me than before, having _

_shifted unconsciously in the course of our conversation. All the little markers and signs _

_that were sufficient to scare off the rest of humanity did not seem to be working on her. _

_Why did she not cringe away from me in terror? Surely she had seen enough of my _

_darker side to realize the danger, intuitive as she seemed to be. _

_I didn't get to see if my warning had the intended effect. Mr. Banner called for _

_the class's attention just then, and she turned away from me at once. She seemed a little _

_relieved for the interruption, so maybe she understood unconsciously. _

_I hoped she did. _

As I looked back at the memory, I realized that maybe I should have never come back from Alaska. If I would've never come back to Forks, she wouldn't be where she is right now. But she was intoxicating; I couldn't take my mind off of her when I stayed in Alaska for about a week after I had first met her.

_I leaned back against the soft snow bank, letting the dry powder reshape itself around my _

_weight. My skin had cooled to match the air around me, and the tiny pieces of ice felt _

_like velvet under my skin. _

_The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, _

_yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe— _

_an awesome sight. Exquisitely beautiful. Or rather, it should have been exquisite. _

_Would have been, if I'd been able to really see it. _

_It wasn't getting any better. Six days had passed, six days I'd hidden here in the _

_empty Denali wilderness, but I was no closer to freedom than I had been since the first _

_moment that I'd caught her scent. _

_When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction _

_between my eyes and their beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable _

_human face, but I couldn't quite seem to banish it from my mind. _

If I was truly honest, I would say that I didn't regret coming back. Those eight months I spent with her, I couldn't have been any happier. But I regretted it for _her._ I ruined her life, because I was to selfish to give her up.

_Rosalie's palm smacked down on the table with a loud bang. "We can't allow the _

_human a chance to say anything. Carlisle, you __must__ see that. Even if we decided to all _

_disappear, it's not safe to leave stories behind us. We live so differently from the rest our kind—you know there are those who would love an excuse to point fingers. We have _

_to be more careful than anyone else!" _

"_We've left rumors behind us before," I reminded her. _

"_Just rumors and suspicions, Edward. Not eyewitnesses and evidence!" _

"_Evidence!" I scoffed. _

_But Jasper was nodding, his eyes hard. _

"_Rose—" Carlisle began. _

"_Let me finish, Carlisle. It doesn't have to be any big production. The girl hit her _

_head today. So maybe that injury turns out to be more serious that it looked." Rosalie _

_shrugged. "Every mortal goes to sleep with the chance of never waking up. The others _

_would expect us to clean up after ourselves. Technically, that would make it Edward's _

_job, but this is obviously beyond him. You know I'm capable of control. I would leave _

_no evidence behind me." _

"_Yes, Rosalie, we all know how proficient an assassin you are," I snarled. _

_She hissed at me, furious. _

"_Edward, please," Carlisle said. Then he turned to Rosalie. "Rosalie, I looked _

_the other way in Rochester because I felt that you were owed your justice. The men you _

_killed had wronged you monstrously. This is not the same situation. The Swan girl is an _

_innocent." _

"_It's not personal, Carlisle," Rosalie said through her teeth. "It's to protect us _

_all." _

_There was a brief moment of silence while Carlisle thought through his answer. _

_When he nodded, Rosalie's eyes lit up. She should have known better. Even if I hadn't _

_been able to read his thoughts, I could have anticipated his next words. Carlisle never _

_compromised. _

"_I know you mean well, Rosalie, but…I'd like very much for our family to be _

_worth__ protecting. The occasional…accident or lapse in control is a regrettable part of _

_who we are." It was very like him to include himself in the plural, though he had never _

_had such a lapse himself. "To murder a blameless child in cold blood is another thing _

_entirely. I believe the risk she presents, whether she speaks her suspicions or not, is __nothing to the greater risk. If we make exceptions to protect ourselves, we risk _

_something much more important. We risk losing the essence of who we are." _

_I controlled my expression very carefully. It wouldn't do at all to grin. Or to _

_applaud, as I wished I could. _

_Rosalie scowled. "It's just being responsible." _

"_It's being callous," Carlisle corrected gently. "Every life is precious." _

_Rosalie sighed heavily and her lower lip pouted out. Emmett patted her shoulder. _

"_It'll be fine, Rose," he encouraged in a low voice. _

"_The question," Carlisle continued, "is whether we should move on?" _

"_No," Rosalie moaned. "We just got settled. I don't want to start on my _

_sophomore year in high school again!" _

"_You could keep your present age, of course," Carlisle said. _

"_And have to move again that much sooner?" she countered. _

_Carlisle shrugged. _

"_I __like__ it here! There's so little sun, we get to be almost __normal__." _

"_Well, we certainly don't have to decide now. We can wait and see if it becomes _

_necessary. Edward seems certain of the Swan girl's silence." _

_Rosalie snorted. _

_But I was no longer worried about Rose. I could see that she would go along with _

_Carlisle's decision, not matter how infuriated she was with me. Their conversation had _

_moved on to unimportant details. _

_Jasper remained unmoved. _

_I understood why. Before he and Alice had met, he'd lived in a combat zone, a _

_relentless theater of war. He knew the consequences of flouting the rules—he'd seen the _

_grisly aftermath with his own eyes. _

_It said much that he had not tried to calm Rosalie down with his extra faculties, _

_nor did he now try to rile her up. He was holding himself aloof from this discussion—_

_above it. _

"_Jasper," I said. _

_He met my gaze, his face expressionless. _

"_She won't pay for my mistake. I won't allow that." _

"_She benefits from it, then? She should have died today, Edward. I would only _

_set that right." _

_I repeated myself, emphasizing each word. "I will not allow it." _

_His eyebrows shot up. He wasn't expecting this—he hadn't imagined that I would _

_act to stop him. _

_He shook his head once. "I won't let Alice live in danger, even a slight danger. _

_You don't feel about anyone the way I feel about her, Edward, and you haven't lived _

_through what I've lived through, whether you've seen my memories or not. You don't _

_understand." _

"_I'm not disputing that, Jasper. But I'm telling you now, I won't allow you to _

_hurt Isabella Swan." _

_We stared at each other—not glaring, but measuring the opposition. I felt him _

_sample the mood around me, testing my determination. _

"_Jazz," Alice said, interrupting us. _

_He held my gaze for a moment more, and then looked at her. "Don't bother _

_telling me you can protect yourself, Alice. I already know that. I've still got to—" _

"_That's not what I'm going say," Alice interrupted. "I was going to ask you for a _

_favor." _

_I saw what was on her mind, and my mouth fell open with an audible gasp. I _

_stared at her, shocked, only vaguely aware that everyone besides Alice and Jasper was _

_now eyeing me warily. _

"_I know you love me. Thanks. But I would really appreciate it if you didn't try to _

_kill Bella. First of all, Edward's serious and I don't want you two fighting. Secondly, _

_she's my friend. At least, she's __going__ to be." _

_It was clear as glass in her head: Alice, smiling, with her icy white arm around the _

_girl's warm, fragile shoulders. And Bella was smiling, too, her arm around Alice's waist. _

_The vision was rock solid; only the timing of it was unsure. _

"_But…Alice…" Jasper gasped. I couldn't manage to turn my head to see his _

_expression. I couldn't tear myself away from the image in Alice's head in order to hear _

_his. _

"_I'm going to love her someday, Jazz. I'll be very put out with you if you don't _

_let her be." _

_I was still locked into Alice's thoughts. I saw the future shimmer as Jasper's _

_resolve floundered in the face of her unexpected request. _

"_Ah," she sighed—his indecision had cleared a new future. "See? Bella's not _

_going to say anything. There's nothing to worry about." _

_The way she said the girl's name…like they were already close confidants… _

"_Alice," I choked. "What…does this…?" _

"_I told you there was a change coming. I don't know, Edward." But she locked _

_her jaw, and I could see that there was more. She was trying not to think about it; she _

_was focusing very hard on Jasper suddenly, though he was too stunned to have _

_progressed much in his decision making. _

_She did this sometimes when she was trying to keep something from me. _

"_What, Alice? What are you hiding?" _

_I heard Emmett grumble. He always got frustrated when Alice and I had these _

_kinds of conversations. _

_She shook her head, trying to not let me in. _

"_Is it about the girl?" I demanded. "Is it about Bella?" _

_She had her teeth gritted in concentration, but when I spoke Bella's name, she _

_slipped. Her slip only lasted the tiniest portion of a second, but that was long enough. _

"_NO!" I shouted. I heard my chair hit the floor, and only then realized I was on _

_my feet. _

"_Edward!" Carlisle was on his feet, too, his arm on my shoulder. I was barely _

_aware of him. _

"_It's solidifying," Alice whispered. "Every minute you're more decided. _

_There're really only two ways left for her. It's one or the other, Edward." _

_I could see what she saw…but I could not accept it. _

"_No," I said again; there was no volume to my denial. My legs felt hollow, and I _

_had to brace myself against the table. _

"_Will somebody __please__ let the rest of us in on the mystery?" Emmett complained. _

"_I have to leave," I whispered to Alice, ignoring him. _

"_Edward, we've already been over that," Emmett said loudly. "That's the best _

_way to start the girl talking. Besides, if you take off, we won't know for sure if she's _

_talking or not. You have to stay and deal with this." _

"_I don't see you going anywhere, Edward," Alice told me. "I don't know if you _

_can__ leave anymore." __Think about it,__ she added silently. _Think about leaving.

_I saw what she meant. Yes, the idea of never seeing the girl again was…painful. _

_But it was also necessary. I couldn't sanction either future I'd apparently condemned her _

_to. _

I'm not entirely sure of Jasper, Edward,_ Alice went on. _If you leave, if he thinks

she's a danger to us…

"_I don't hear that," I contradicted her, still only halfway aware of our audience. _

_Jasper was wavering. He would not do something that would hurt Alice. _

Not right this moment. Will you risk her life, leave her undefended?

"_Why are you doing this to me?" I groaned. My head fell into my hands. _

_I was not Bella's protector. I could not be that. Wasn't Alice's divided future _

_enough proof of that? _

I love her, too. Or I will. It's not the same, but I want her around for that.

"_Love her, __too?__" I whispered, incredulous. _

_She sighed. _You are so blind, Edward. Can't you see where you're headed?

Can't you see where you already are? It's more inevitable than the sun rising in the east.

See what I see…

_I shook my head, horrified. "No." I tried to shut out the visions she revealed to _

_me. "I don't have to follow that course. I'll leave. I __will __change the future." _

"_You can try," she said, her voice skeptical. _

"_Oh, __come on__!" Emmett bellowed. _

"_Pay attention," Rose hissed at him. "Alice sees him falling for a __human!__ How _

_classically Edward!" She made a gagging sound. _

_I scarcely heard her. _

"_What?" Emmett said, startled. Then his booming laugh echoed through the _

_room. "Is that what's been going on?" He laughed again. "Tough break, Edward." _

_I felt his hand on my shoulder, and I shook it off absently. I couldn't pay _

_attention to him. _

"_Fall__ for a human?" Esme repeated in a stunned voice. "For the girl he saved _

_today? Fall in __love__ with her?" _

"_What do you see, Alice? Exactly," Jasper demanded. _

_She turned toward him; I continued to stare numbly at the side of her face. _

"_It all depends on whether he is strong enough or not. Either he'll kill her _

_himself" —she turned to meet my gaze again, glaring— "which would __really__ irritate me, _

_Edward, not to mention what it would do to __you__—" she faced Jasper again, "or she'll be _

_one of us someday." _

_Someone gasped; I didn't look to see who. _

"_That's not going to happen!" I was shouting again. "Either one!" _

_Alice didn't seem to hear me. "It all depends," she repeated. "He may be just _

_strong enough not to kill her—but it will be close. It will take an amazing amount of _

_control," she mused. "More even than Carlisle has. He may be __just__ strong enough… _

_The only thing he's not strong enough to do is stay away from her. That's a lost cause." _

_I couldn't find my voice. No one else seemed to be able to either. The room was _

_still. _

_I stared at Alice, and everyone else stared at me. I could see my own horrified _

_expression from five different viewpoints. _

_After a long moment, Carlisle sighed. _

"_Well, this…complicates things." _

"_I'll say," Emmett agreed. His voice was still close to laughter. Trust Emmett to _

_find the joke in the destruction of my life. _

"_I suppose the plans remain the same, though," Carlisle said thoughtfully. "We'll _

_stay, and watch. Obviously, no one will…hurt the girl." _

_I stiffened. _

"_No," Jasper said quietly. "I can agree to that. If Alice sees only two ways—" _

"_No!" My voice was not a shout or a growl or a cry of despair, but some _

_combination of the three. "No!" _

_I had to leave, to be away from the noise of their thoughts—Rosalie's self- _

_righteous disgust, Emmett's humor, Carlisle's never ending patience… _

_Worse: Alice's confidence. Jasper's confidence in that confidence. _

_Worst of all: Esme's…__joy__. _

_I stalked out of the room. Esme touched my arm as I passed, but I didn't _

_acknowledge the gesture. _

_I was running before I was out of the house. I cleared the river in one bound, and _

_raced into the forest. The rain was back again, falling so heavily that I was drenched in a _

_few moments. I liked the thick sheet of water—it made a wall between me and the rest of _

_the world. It closed me in, let me be alone. _

_I ran due east, over and through the mountains without breaking my straight _

_course, until I could see the lights of Seattle on the other side of the sound. I stopped _

_before I touched the borders of human civilization. _

_Shut in by the rain, all alone, I finally made myself look at what I had done—at _

_the way I had mutilated the future. _

_First, the vision of Alice and the girl with their arms around each other—the trust _

_and friendship was so obvious it shouted from the image. Bella's wide chocolate eyes _

_were not bewildered in this vision, but still full of secrets—in this moment, they seemed _

_to be happy secrets. She did not flinch away from Alice's cold arm. _

_What did it mean? How much did she know? In that still-life moment from the _

_future, what did she think of __me__? _

_Then the other image, so much the same, yet now colored by horror. Alice and _

_Bella, their arms still wrapped around each other in trusting friendship. But now there _

_was no difference between those arms—both were white, smooth as marble, hard as steel. _

_Bella's wide eyes were no longer chocolate. The irises were a shocking, vivid crimson. _

_The secrets in them were unfathomable—acceptance or desolation? It was impossible to _

_tell. Her face was cold and immortal_

_I shuddered. I could not suppress the questions, similar, but different: What did it _

_mean—how had this come about? And what did she think of me now? . I could answer that last one. If I forced her into this empty half-life through my weakness and selfishness, surely she would hate me. _

_But there was one more horrifying image—worse than any image I'd ever held _

_inside my head. _

_My own eyes, deep crimson with human blood, the eyes of the monster. Bella's _

_broken body in my arms, ashy white, drained, lifeless. It was so concrete, so clear. _

_I couldn't stand to see this. Could not bear it. I tried to banish it from my mind, _

_tried to see something else, anything else. Tried to see again the expression on her living _

_face that had obstructed my view for the last chapter of my existence. All to no avail. _

_Alice's bleak vision filled my head, and I writhed internally with the agony it _

_caused. Meanwhile, the monster in me was overflowing with glee, jubilant at the _

_likelihood of his success. It sickened me. _

_This could not be allowed. There had to be a way to circumvent the future. I _

_would not let Alice's visions direct me. I could choose a different path. There was _

_always a choice. _

_There had to be. _

There _was_ another choice. I chose it, and look where I am now.

"Sir, can I get you anything?" A steward asked me.

_Yes, can you please tell the pilot I'm suicidal and I need to get to Italy as soon as possible?_

It's what I wanted to say, but instead of scaring the poor steward, I said, "No thank you."

The steward nodded, and moved on to the next passenger.

"Attention, passengers. We will be landing shortly, please put on your seatbelts."

I closed my eyes. I was one step closer to death, and Bella.

***

_(To be continued…)_


	2. Chapter 2

"Very interesting…" Aro mused as his hand gripped mine. I closed my eyes, and hoped he would understand. Aro gasped, and I felt the guard tense for a moment, but he quickly waved them off.

_A human? _ Aro thought. _Carlisle is not one to disobey the rules…the human girl has potential…why didn't they change her?...ah, she was his la tua cantante…from his thoughts I see she smelled not only delicious to him, but to others…what do we have here? He…fell in love with her? What?...a human? _**Very**_ interesting… Looks like another coven came along and wanted to steal her away…she was almost turned into a vampire…why did he suck the venom back out?...Ah, young love…her eighteenth birthday came…she's unhappy, why?...ah, she wants him to turn her into a vampire before she gets any older…smart girl…something happened, his brother-the one with the marks of battle-attacked her?...He left her…_

I flinched at his thoughts. Watching my life replay all over again was almost to painful to watch.

_He spend time away from his family, he was depressed…he got a phone call from his sister Rosalie, and she told him the news about Bella's death…he decided he wanted to die to because he cannot live without her…And now he's here._

He opened his eyes slowly, and released my hand.

"Edward," He sighed. "I know you loved her, but didn't you realize that she would eventually die sooner or later?"

"I never thought I would outlive her for long." I stated, completely honest. Before I received…the phone call from Rosalie, I was on the brink of insanity, and I would have ended up coming here anyway.

"I don't know what to say." Aro stuttered, completely flustered. You don't get a lot of suicidal vampires.

"Why don't you just kill me, and get over it?" I said through clenched teeth. I was losing my patience.

Felix was ready to spring at me any moment now.

"Edward," Aro sighed. "you have so much potential, why waste it? Why don't you join us? Don't waste your talent."

At least two growls were heard in our audience. Felix and Jane weren't happy about this. As a matter a fact, neither was I.

"No," I said rudely, cutting the politeness. "No, I'm not joining you. Can't you see I'm miserable without her? I just want to die."

Aro looked a bit taken back at my outburst.

_Maybe he has gone mad…_he thought. Yes, I have gone mad. All because of my stupid mistakes.

"Edward, you're not thinking straight. Maybe you should come back later. Think this through."

I didn't think twice about my next decision. I just turned my back to him, and walked out of the room with what was left of my dignity.

***

(to be continued…)


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